Awareness as a means for pleasurable relationship and sex
Women’s magazine Pere ja Kodu, October 2015, by Inga Raitar
By using awareness practically, huge positive changes can be brought to life, which are neither short-term nor exhaustive, but permanent. Katrin (27) tells about her personal experience.
Four years ago, I had reached a point in my life where I was stuck. Seemingly, I had everything I could have ever dreamed of: a child, a husband, our own house, a car, enough cash, independence. I was in an excellent relationship, my husband was a good companion to me and an ideal father to our child.
I had everything: a loving husband, a child, a house and a car. Yet I lacked the feeling of happiness.
However, as time went by, I had an ever increasing impression that things and activities that used to make me happy did not have that effect any more. Everything that was good exhausted itself rather quickly. Trying out new things did not seem so exciting any more. For a time, they did nourish my life with good emotions, energy and memories, but quite soon everything just exhausted itself.
I continuously craved for variety, a boost that would give me some new energy. At the same time, it was clear that I could not continue like that for too long.
Troubling thoughts were attacking
I have not needed to work, as my husband’s good salary enables me to stay home and dedicate myself to raising our child, and besides this, spend time with my hobbies and meet friends from time to time. Sometimes when I need to do something new, I work for a while, just to do something different for a change.
I could have had a very low stress life. Nevertheless, at some point I could not do anything anymore, go anywhere, want anything. Everything seemed so pointless and repetitive. Troubling thoughts started spinning in my head, fears arose, and complexes, uncertainty, depression, anxiety and disturbing and painful emotions started to dominate.
All this was especially intolerable because of insomnia. I hoped to find a solution from a therapist or psychiatrist, but the only help they could offer was to prescribe antidepressants, tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Antidepressants made emotions duller, but the ‘highway of thoughts’ rushing through my mind, as well as my fears, did not disappear.
I know now that pills only influence the physical body. Everything remains the same in the mental and vital body where the causes of problems reside. Despite this, I accepted the cure offered by medicine, because at that time I did not know any better way to help myself.
I gradually developed an addiction to pills, so that it became impossible to fall asleep without tranquilizers or sleeping pills, and at some point, even those did not help anymore. I could be awake several days in a row, even though my body was already shaking from exhaustion. I remember thinking: is this what hell on earth feels like?
Then I felt that I could not carry on like that and that I needed something with lasting effect. Neither did I want the way I felt depend on pills, but only on myself – that I could help myself on my own.
Where the trouble is greatest...
Of course, I read and studied self-help books, which regrettably turned out to be just theories which I did not find too useful.
I had heard about Lilleoru and the courses of Ingvar Villido already before, but I did not have the courage to turn to them right away. I had tried so many different things that I thought might help, but eventually everything lost its effect.
I started thinking that there wasn’t anything that could help me. All the same, from time to time I remembered what I had heard about Lilleoru. I knew that they are practicing some kind of awareness techniques there which solve a problem instantly as it arises or even before that. It seemed so unbelievable and sounded like fooling people; how can something that simple exist which can help anyone with whatever problem they might have?
The question arose that if the Art of Conscious Change developed in Lilleoru gives a permanent cure for everyone for overcoming all their problems then why is it used so little in the world? For there is only one community in Estonia who is actively practicing it.
Despite being sceptical, we finally decided with my husband that I would attend one course in Lilleoru and see how it goes. I was quite sure that I will return without being much smarter. To my own surprise, when I came back from the course and my husband asked "So, how was it?", I replied: "It really works, and I want to attend the next courses as well."
Passion and sexual desire disappeared
Earlier, when I was suffering, my husband suffered a lot, too, because he was the person I primarily grounded my frustration on. With my child, I could hold myself back better, but as my husband later told me, he was even afraid to come back home from work, because he never knew in what mood his wife was going to greet her this time.
I remember well that he, too, started to have depressive thoughts at some point. There were times when we both felt down, and as a result, our relationship became intolerable. The passion and pure love, closeness and sexual interest that we once felt for each other were all gone.
Because I had repeatedly been unjust with my husband and treated him in a way he did not deserve, he voiced the painful truth: "I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, because I don’t feel well being with you. For me, sex is a moment of ultimate closeness, where love is shown in the sincerest way, but I feel that you have treated me in a way I did not deserve."
The truth is, sex was a rare occasion in our relationship, almost non-existent. Even if we did make love, it was without passion, a cold and hurried "getting over with it".
As I had much graver problems with myself during this period in my life, the sex problem seemed an issue of minor importance at the time. To be honest, I did not even feel much sexual desire, because I was so exhausted that finally the only thing I could do was to spend time with my child, and in better days, cook. I had totally neglected my husband. No wonder he felt that I did not love him anymore.
I decided to turn to Lilleoru to find a cure for my sleeping disorders, depression and loss of vitality. I did not believe I could help myself with any techniques. I used to believe that other people – but also other activities, food, alcohol – are the ones who might be able to help. But as none of those things had succeeded in helping me and I felt really desperate, I decided to attend the courses. Today I can say that this saved my life.
Being unsatisfied with my body
From the time I started practicing the Art of Conscious Change techniques, my life started to move gradually back on track. First, thoughts causing distress, frustration with myself and with other people disappeared. Slowly I regained my good night’s sleep. Joy came back to my life, and I started taking care of myself and my loved ones once again.
In addition, the passion between me and my husband grew, and our love is now as strong as it was in the beginning of our relationship. It could be said that awareness saved our relation, which otherwise would not have lasted much longer.
As a plus, I developed a really good connection with my body, and new aspects of myself revealed. While previously I didn’t have an orgasm too easily, and only had it with oral sex, now it is each time a frequent visitor. Previously it happened quite often even with oral sex that my partner’s jaws already started to cramp, but there was still no sign of my orgasm coming any time soon. This was surely the reason why having sex was not among my favourite activities.
I mainly did this only to give satisfaction to my husband, because I did not experience any pleasure from such bored love-making myself. Despite this, of course I still tried to show that I liked it, because I did not want to see him offended.
My lucky days were when we decided to have a quickie, because without feeling the pleasure of it, with a prolonged intercourse I finally started to experience quite a lot of physical pain. And of course we used lubricants etc., but these made me even less sensitive down below.
Sometimes weird and funny thoughts came when making love. I remember the thoughts I used to have during our intercourse: "What a pointless pounding", or: "There are better things I could do instead. Like eat something." I could do all my plans for the day ahead during our love-making. To sum it up, I was entirely elsewhere in my thoughts.
And my body was tense, because I was embarrassed of it – I feared that I was a little too plump in some places and my husband might notice it. I was immensely anxious also because after prolonged breast-feeding my tits were not as firm as they used to be, and my nipples seemed large. So, instead of feeling the pleasure of making love, I was engaged in other thoughts. Looking back, no wonder I did not have orgasms nor feel pleasure when making love.
Orgasms just keep on coming
Now that awareness is part of my life, making love has become an easy and natural thing and I feel really good about it. I just bring my awareness to my erogenous regions at the time of having sex, and the orgasms just keep on coming. Interestingly, when I have had enough orgasms already and do not want to have any more, they don’t come any more, but the pleasure of making love still remains.
Also, what I used to call ’pointless pounding’, has now become good and pleasurable. Sex gives pleasure in one way or another. My husband has also noticed this and is really glad for me, as he sees that his wife is feeling good during sex. In the beginning, he was puzzled how in the earth I could get that many orgasms, but now he just smirks when this good thing happens again.
Earlier, my husband brought his thoughts from work into bed, which caused erection problems.
Once, my husband also attended Ingvar Villido’s course, and after that we have become even closer, and making love has become even better. Our relationship is also stronger than before. It is just wonderful that both of us are using awareness in our lives! We have become a very harmonious couple. Our child is feeling this as well and is much happier now.
My husband changed as well
In addition to my own recovery, I have witnessed remarkable changes also in my husband. He has always had a very strong sense of responsibility. First, because he feels responsible for the well-being and sustenance of our family. Secondly, the respect of his employer and colleagues is very important to him.
Earlier, when he had some minor misunderstanding at work with his boss or co-workers, the evening at home was also spoilt. It can be said that my husband’s work strongly influenced our relationship. When he had not had the best of days at work, he poured out his emotions on me. Already when speaking with him over the phone, I could tell in what mood he will be coming home. At work, he made great effort to seem impeccable, but when coming back home, he let go.
It was the worst when something happened at work on a Friday – in that case he was thinking about work the entire week-end. He brought thoughts of work also to bed, and quite often he as well lacked any desire to make love because of that.
After my husband learned to use awareness, most of his troubles related to work have disappeared, but at the same time, work goes more smoothly than before. By using awareness, things get done in a much more efficient way. As a result, my husband now comes back home happier and earlier than before.
A cure for erection problems
Also, work problems are not coming along to bed any more. Earlier, when thoughts about work were very active, my husband had problems with erection. Fortunately, he overcame them and they did not develop into a permanent disorder. Contrary to my ex-boyfriend, with whom our relationship ended just because he had a swarm of troublesome thoughts which he always brought along to bed.
The guy was 24 years old at the time. He had passed all kinds of medical checks which showed that he did not have any physical causes for having erection disorders. All the same, he had them, and so bad that during our 1,5 years’ relationship, he never came when having sex – just before coming, his prick went limp. Finally, so much embarrassment and humiliation had piled up in him because he could not give me satisfaction that we decided to end our relationship. I remember that he, too, kept seeking for a solution for his problems – from counselling and pills to even spiritual practices. But to no avail.
Luckily, our family found a cure for our problems that does not involve taking pills, and is not dependent upon other people, food nor booze, but only upon ourselves. We are really happy and enjoy every moment we have.